Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
