im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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