Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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