I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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