So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
