Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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