i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
