I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All the doctor said was why
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
