By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
