He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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