i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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