i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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