I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Please don't give away my fajitas
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
