just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I need a beard to bite.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
