how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
