Welp...herpes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
