It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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