I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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