I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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