hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We are two peas in an std pod
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
