So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
