I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
