Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
