I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
