Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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