There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize