I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Can you bring me the toilet please
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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