I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
