Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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