we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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