see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
