Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
