they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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