Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
