The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Mom said you looked used
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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