Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
