I cannot find my penis.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
