did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
