The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
