My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
