My sheets look like a crime scene.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
