My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
