I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
