What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
