This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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