There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
