FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
