i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize