I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
