We won't sleep together?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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