the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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