I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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