So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
where am i from again
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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