I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
time to smoke my breakfast
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
