I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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