You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
