Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
