Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
